Depression.

I've been working with my depression formally now for almost four years now. It's a frustrating process. Many days it feels like I havent made any progress at all.

It comes in waves. Some months are worse than others. Some weeks are worse than others. Some days.Some hours. Some seconds....

Im in a constant battle with this thing that is in my brain, is a part of me, and yet is not me. 

After four years of hard work, I'm finally going to start taking antidepressants.

I'm afraid that this slimy little shit of a monster in my head has already ruined my grades and my life and I'll die in a hole without a job... Unhappy until I die.  This is one of my bad moments, in case you couldn't tell. This is a bad month.

I feel like all possibility of succeeding in high school was ruined because of my brain monster. I barely have a 3.0 GPA. And to me, that's failure.

The best trimester I've had... The freest I've been from the monster... I achieved all As except in AP U.S. History, the hardest AP class my school offers. And I got a B in that class.

And I don't think that my friends understand the work I've put into staying alive.... Hundreds of hours of therapy. Lots of work. I know the theory and the coping mechanisms and the strategies, and I'm constantly focusing on doing things to try to improve my life or keep me happy.

Right now just sucks. I'm under a lot of stress. Just staying alive takes all my energy.