Lightsandcandy: April 2013

"Lord, What fools these mortals be!"

Yes, Puck... I know we are quite foolish, and If you were here watching me run around trying to juggle all the things in my life right now including the SAT, A Creative project and playing your part in Midsummer Night's Dream you would get a kick out of it for sure.
This week is Hell week for my School's production of Midsummer Night's Dream and it is chaos. The choreography isn't done, mic's havent been hung and there are still people who don't know all of their lines (or cues, that's where my weakness is)
The first performance of the play is this Saturday, so we are getting pretty close. However, by some strange coincidence, My SAT is the same day. Im pretty nervous about the SAT. This will be the first time I will take it, and I'm not convenced that I will do well even though I've been taking an sat class on monday and wednesday all this month.
I've also decided to start a long term creative project of Puck Monologue videos for Youtube. This Thursday after rehearsal I will be filming at least the first three puck monologues. The videos will be a performance of the monologue and then a brief description to decode the context and the shakespeare. I'll be getting my director's help (and maybe my boyfriends father who is a theater professor) to make sure that my explanations are accurate and comprehensive. The finished project will be a six part series on youtube with a monologue for each video. I'll be releasing them every week on wednesday for 6 weeks.
This will be the first project in a series of projects to entice people to donate to my gofundme account for college fundraising. I've been wanting to output more creative content, and the possibility of getting a few hundred dollars will help motivate me to be consistant in my creative pursuits I have no plan for my next project yet, but this project will need my attention for about a month.
All this worrying about paying for college, the SAT and my future makes me think about what I want to do in life and what kind of person I want to be. I am going to look back in time and re-examine the books and events that have shaped who I am and the things that I value
So far I've pinpointed three books and three events that have shaped the things I believe in and the things I value.

Books

1. Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone by JK Rowling- I am truly of the Harry Potter generation. I fell in love with reading by following The Boy Who Lived through his first year at Hogwarts.

2. Harriet The Spy by Louis Fitzhugh- This book about a girl who runs around writing in her journal and letting her imagination run wild showed me the fun and the value in creativity, and produced a strong desire in me to write a lot.

3. The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster- If you havent read this book- you should. This book showed me how interesting the world is, and how clever wordplay is. This book is full of puns and clever wordplays considering many topics including Idioms, math, numbers, words, music, art and poetry. It explores the concept of boredom, and considers how many parts of the world that people look over could be interesting and even wondrous if put in the right light.

Events

1. My mother buying me my first journal in second grade- It is a thick pink book with flowers on the cover,that once had a ribbon bookmark that I cut off because it frayed. I loved writing in that notebook. Recently, I learned that before my writing exploded into this journal I would refuse to write. The draw of this journal and the feeling of having a place to secure my thoughts started a trend of writing, and nine years later, I am still a journaler.

2. An acting workshop in lower elementary Abby Bosworth taught me the draw of the spotlight- She instructed us to act like Caliban teaching Prospero the way the land works without speaking. I remember just loving to pretend to be someone so different from who I am. That enjoyment has progressed into a fully fledged love of all things theater- even backstage work.

3. The first time I saw the Buddhist relics (and every time I've seen them since)- The Buddhist relics were life changing for me. The energy that flows in that room with the relics is tangible and inspired me to pull Buddhist principles into my own life. Thats when I started consciously trying to improve myself.

It's because of these books and events that I'm interested in theater and writing. It's because of these that I value thought, curiosity, education, creativity and serenity.
Keeping this in mind, I want to re-read and re-experience these things, go back to my roots, and use these things to guide my path through the next few years.

I've been working with my depression formally now for almost four years now. It's a frustrating process. Many days it feels like I havent made any progress at all.

It comes in waves. Some months are worse than others. Some weeks are worse than others. Some days.Some hours. Some seconds....

Im in a constant battle with this thing that is in my brain, is a part of me, and yet is not me.

After four years of hard work, I'm finally going to start taking antidepressants.

I'm afraid that this slimy little shit of a monster in my head has already ruined my grades and my life and I'll die in a hole without a job... Unhappy until I die. This is one of my bad moments, in case you couldn't tell. This is a bad month.

I feel like all possibility of succeeding in high school was ruined because of my brain monster. I barely have a 3.0 GPA. And to me, that's failure.

The best trimester I've had... The freest I've been from the monster... I achieved all As except in AP U.S. History, the hardest AP class my school offers. And I got a B in that class.

And I don't think that my friends understand the work I've put into staying alive.... Hundreds of hours of therapy. Lots of work. I know the theory and the coping mechanisms and the strategies, and I'm constantly focusing on doing things to try to improve my life or keep me happy.

Right now just sucks. I'm under a lot of stress. Just staying alive takes all my energy.